The Big Book of Hap and Leonard Page 7

  “I haven’t had it so good,” Donny said.

  “So, you’re like a special case?” Leonard said.

  “Ain’t no one matters but yourself,” Donny said. “That’s what Smoke Stack told me.”

  “Then that means you don’t matter much to him,” I said. “He’s telling you the truth when it comes to his philosophy. He doesn’t care about you or anyone else. You’re just a cog in the machine, and he wouldn’t mind replacing you with another cog at the drop of a hat.”

  I put Brett’s pancakes in front of her and heated up the syrup a little in the microwave. I brought it to her and then got her a cold glass of milk. I sat down across from her.

  When I sat, I put my hands in front of me, clasped together, and Brett said, “You okay, Hap?”

  “I cut my knuckles.”

  I held them out for her to see.

  “So you did.”

  “I think I can use some sympathy.”

  “We’ll talk about it when we go to bed,” Brett said.

  What we ended up doing was not going to bed right away, but calling Marvin, and getting him out of bed, and pissing him off, but he came over anyway. He came over with the information about the body found in the woods, and in fact, he had gotten a copy of a photograph from one of his cop friends, had it in a big yellow envelope. We didn’t look at it right away.

  Once he had some of my pancakes, his attitude was better. We went into the living room, and Marvin told Donny some of what he knew. He took the photo out of the envelope and showed it to Donny. It was a clear photo of a man behind the wheel of a car. He had a hole in his forehead, and he was swollen up so bad his shirt collar had rolled into the swell of his neck. Insects had been at him, and a string of ants were clearly visible crawling into his nose.

  “No gun was found,” Marvin said. “He didn’t shoot himself.”

  “That could be anyone at anytime,” Donny said.

  “Yeah, it could,” Marvin said. “It’s a possibility it is someone unrelated to your buddy Smoke Stack. It could be a pumpkin painted up to look like a man. But I don’t think so. Timing’s right, the description of the car fits.”

  “There’s lots of cars like that one,” Donny said.

  “You got me there, kid. You’re bound and determined to get yourself killed. So have at it. You want to take the chance it’s not connected, that’s your bailiwick. Me, I’m going home.”

  Marvin stood up, leaving the photograph on the coffee table.

  On his way out, Marvin picked his hat and cane off the back of a chair, said, “Nice knowing you, kid. Next time I see you, it’ll be in a photograph like that one.”

  Marvin went out and closed the door.

  “Bullshit,” Donny said.

  “He’s just trying to help,” Brett said.

  “He’s trying to scare me,” Donny said.

  “Yeah,” I said, “he is. I hope it’s working. You damn well better be scared. This is some serious business we’re talking about. Smoke Stack, he’s a loser. He’s so cool and important, why’s he live in that shithole where he lives and have a bunch of other losers hanging around him, and that includes you. But it doesn’t have to.”

  “He does all right,” Donny said.

  “Yeah,” Leonard said. “Well, he don’t keep his left hand up worth a shit.”

  “Or his right,” I said.

  That night we put Donny in the little guest bedroom we had built of recent for Leonard. It wasn’t very big, but we had built it onto the back of the house. There was a window that Donny could climb out of if he were ambitious. The only thing was, Leonard was sleeping in the bed under the window and near the door. Donny was sleeping on a pallet on the floor. Donny would have had to have been a ninja to get out that window and Leonard not know it.

  As we walked him to the bedroom and I laid out his pallet, Brett brought him pajamas and a towel for a shower, Leonard said, “I’m a light sleeper. And if you wake me up, thinking you’re going to sneak out, I’m going to beat the hell out of you. That’s as simple as I can put it.”

  Donny looked at me.

  “He will,” I said.

  “Here,” Brett said, handing him the towel and pajamas. “Baby, you ought to listen to these boys. They know what they’re talking about. Like your brother, they just want to help you.”

  “My brother is a loser,” Donny said.

  “Your brother quit a good job to come here and take care of you,” Leonard said. “He went from high living to low living. He’s a janitor. Good honest work, but not work of his choosing. He did that for you. He may not be perfect, but he did it for you. That means something.”

  Donny didn’t say anything to that.

  Brett said, “You should listen. Those people you were with, hell, not people . . . those beasts you were with. They aren’t human. They’re hyenas. They might have been people once, but they’re hyenas now. You don’t have to be one too. You get to choose. That’s the difference between you and a natural-born hyena. There’s a choice for you. For the animal there isn’t, but for humans to choose not to be animals, there is.”

  “Actually,” Leonard said, “I like the hyenas better than humans.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” Donny said.

  “That’s what scares us,” I said.

  “He knows,” Brett said, and took hold of Donny’s chin with her thumb and forefinger. “He’s just not ready to admit it. . . . And Donny, honey, be sure and take that shower before you lay down to sleep. You’ll sleep better, and you won’t stink.”

  Donny looked as if someone had just stuck a hot shot to his balls.

  “Not trying to hurt your feelings,” Brett said, “just fact. Girls sure don’t want to be around some stinker. And you’re kind of cute, if you’d clean yourself up.”

  “Really?” Donny said.

  “Really.”

  “Smoke Stack said if you got money, you got the girls.”

  “Did he?” Brett said. “That’s like saying if you got corn you get the pigs. Thing is, who wants pigs? Look here, kid. Get a shower, and let’s see we can do something about those pimples. You just aren’t washing your face good. And I got some stuff you can put on them. Even a natural beauty, a goddamn goddess like me, sometimes gets a bump.”

  Next morning Brett slept in, and I went downstairs and woke Leonard and Donny. I called Kelly and told him we had his little brother, and that we would try and hang onto him for a few days, to see if common sense soaked in. I didn’t offer him any guarantees.

  We called Marvin about seeing if he could drop a word to the police about the car in the shed, and so on. He did. They didn’t really have enough cause, but they went out and cut the lock anyway. The car inside was gone. The place was empty. They went out to the house where Smoke Stack lived. It was cleaned up and only Smoke Stack was home. He told them the bruises on his face were from falling down in the driveway.

  It was an iffy move, putting them on the alert like that, but me and Leonard figured it was best to make them a little nervous.

  After we got the news, Leonard said, “Smoke Stack and his swinging-dick friends are done tidying up. There’s nothing left for the cops to find. I think we should have shot them all last night. I think we should have shot Smoke Stack twice.”

  Donny was sitting on the couch, listening.

  “That includes you,” Leonard said.

  “He’s just testy,” I said. “He hasn’t had his morning coffee. And his boyfriend isn’t talking to him.”

  “You’re gay?” Donny said to Leonard.

  “Yep.”

  “You don’t act gay.”

  “How do they act?”

  “I don’t know. . . .”

  “Look here, kid. We come in all shapes, sizes, and attitudes. But it’s pretty much a given we all have big dicks.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “but he doesn’t have an ounce of fashion sense.”

  “No Barbra Streisand records either,” Leonard said. “I just prefer me
n to women. And just for the record, I can whip your ass and pretty much anyone else’s on any day of the week, provided the moon is in Leo.”

  “What?” Donny said.

  “He’s fucking with you,” I said. “About the moon in Leo part.”

  We went to the gym and took Donny with us. When we got there we put the bag gloves on him and showed him how to work the heavy bag. He didn’t want to do it at first, but Leonard persuaded him with a threat. After Donny hit the bag a few times, he got into it. He started asking questions on how to throw punches. He had seen us do it, seen how we moved the bag, and he wanted to learn it. I think he was also thinking about that ass-whipping I had given his hero.

  Leonard said, “You got to come from the hip. But, you get older, you get more experience, you realize this bag don’t mean shit. Hitting a person, you don’t have to be able to move this bag. You got to hit a man when he’s in the void, when he’s stepping, when he’s trying to shift or recover his balance. Catch him then, you can take down a big guy with a simple punch, a kick. Catching someone off balance, or controlling their balance, makes them easier to throw.”

  We spent two hours at the gym, then went back home.

  We pulled up in the drive, and I saw the front door was open. Leonard and I were in the front seat. He turned and looked over his shoulder, said, “Donny, you stay in the car. If anyone comes out shooting, or you hear shooting, you run like a motherfucker. But, you don’t hear shooting, I come out, and you’re gone, I will track you down—”

  “And beat the shit out of me,” Donny said.

  “That’s right.”

  We had guns in the glove box and we got them out. Leonard went around back, and I went up on the porch and moved the open front door wider with my foot, peeked inside.

  I didn’t see anyone. I moved in slowly, and then I heard the back door lock click, and Leonard was in.

  Leonard took the kitchen, and I took his room. We checked the bathrooms. I went upstairs. The bedcovers were pulled back, and the big red T-shirt she had slept in was lying on the floor. On the end of the bed was a note.

  I picked it up and read it.

  WE GOT YOUR REDHEAD. WE GOT DONNY'S BROTHER.

  WE GOT YOUR LADY'S CELL PHONE,

  AND WE GOT YOUR NUMBER.

  GO TO THE COPS, THEY'RE BOTH DEAD.

  WAIT FOR OUR CALL.

  There’s no way to describe the emptiness I felt. I went downstairs with the note and gave it to Leonard. He read it and went upstairs and came down with a shotgun, two pistols, and a single-shot .22 rifle. None of them are registered. I keep them in a special place in the closet where the ceiling tiles can be moved and the guns can be stored.

  I sat at the table, stunned, and Leonard went out and got Donny and brought him in.

  Donny looked at me, said, “What’s wrong?”

  Leonard gave him the note, said, “That’s your man, Donny. He’s got Brett and your brother. That’s what cowards do.”

  Donny put the note down. “Smoke Stack said no one would get hurt. He said we’d just end up making some money.”

  “Someone will get hurt all right,” Leonard said. “Smoke Stack. And anyone with him. If he hurts Brett, we’ll kill them all and shit on their graves on a weekly basis.”

  “Brett didn’t have anything to do with this,” Donny said.

  “Yeah, and that mattered, didn’t it?” Leonard said.

  I was thinking on what to do next when the cell rang.

  When I answered, Smoke Stack said, “All right, bad ass. We got your woman and she’s going to drive the getaway car for us. That’s ironic, ain’t it, asshole? It didn’t take all that much work to figure who you guys were, ’cause first off, we got the brother, and it didn’t take more than a few burning cigarettes on his chest and he talked right up, told us who you were. How you like that?”

  “Peachy,” I said.

  “We nabbed Donny’s brother at his job just before he started to clean a toilet. Now listen up tight ’cause I ain’t gonna repeat it. We hit the First Commercial Bank at one thirty today. Anyone should get tipped off before then, or at all, we’ll kill the chick and the brother too. What we’re gonna have the redhead do is drive the getaway car. Ain’t that classic? You take our wheel man, and we take your girl, and now she’s our wheel man. Pardon my goddamn fucking manners. Wheel woman. I hope she can drive, ’cause if she can’t, got to just go on and pop her.”

  “She can drive,” I said. “Don’t hurt her.”

  “Man, that would be a shame, wouldn’t it? Fox like that. She’s fine, man. I don’t know how you got something like that. I see her, and I see you, I got to wonder you got some kind of Love Potion thing going.”

  “Just don’t hurt her. . . . How do I get her back?”

  “You didn’t mention getting the brother back. So, we’ll keep him. We’ll keep him until we’re gone for some time. We give the redhead back, you tell who we are, then he’s toast. Otherwise, a week from now we’ll let him go . . . no. I don’t like that. You see, I’m thinking since you didn’t even ask about him, he’s not such a big worry for you. You get the woman back, then what do you care? We’ll do it the other way. We’ll keep the redhead and give you the brother. A week from now, we’ll let her go. Just so you know, we caught her sleeping. Just sprang the lock and found her upstairs. I made her change, and I watched while she did it. It’s good to know she’s a natural redhead. It’s good to know what she’s got under the hood, so to speak.”

  “Fuck you,” I said.

  “Don’t get rowdy. It might not do to get me mad. And let me tell you something. Other night, you got lucky. I was high as a kite.”

  “Yeah, and you can’t fight either.”

  “Maybe we’ll get another chance and I can show you what I can do when I’m straight.”

  “Maybe we will.”

  “Tell you what. We keep her a week, we’ll give her back, but in the meantime, we might try and put out that little fire between her legs. I’m a regular fireman.”

  “You hurt her, you touch her, you’re dead,” I said.

  “I wouldn’t talk like that, if I was you. There’s all kinds of things can happen between now and then. You could be looking for her for twenty years and not so much as find a hair. That body we left in the woods, in the car, that was a mistake. From now on, there won’t be bodies to find. So you better pay attention to me. You sit quiet. We’ll hit the bank. We’ll leave the brother somewhere, and then we’ll let your woman go in a week. That way, we got plenty of time to do what we want and get where we want. You don’t believe me, call the police. Show up and cause trouble. You might get me, but you won’t get her back. Least not alive. Have a nice fucking day, asshole.”

  I put the cell away and told Leonard what Smoke Stack said.

  I said to Donny, “He won’t let your brother go, and he won’t let Brett go. He knows we know who he is, and he’s determined to pull the armored car job anyway. Out of spite. He’s trying to prove he’s smart.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Donny said. “I guess I haven’t been thinking.”

  “You ought to be sorry, kid,” Leonard said. “You’ve stirred up the goddamn bees’ nest.”

  “He might let them go,” Donny said.

  “No,” I said. “His pride is what this is about. He knows at some point we’ll tell somebody, so I figure he’ll do the robbery, then tell us he’s going to let the brother go, and we can pick him up at such and such a place, but neither brother nor Brett will be alive by then. And they’ll be waiting for us. They’ll ask that you come along, like they’re gonna take you back. But you know what? They plan to kill us all. No witnesses, and then they’re back in business. Cops will know it’s them that did it because of circumstantial evidence, but thinking and proving, that’s two different things. They could lay low for a year or two and then launder the money somewhere, come out good. And my figure is everyone in that group, except Smoke Stack, will turn up dead. He’ll end up with all the money and no on
e to talk about how things were done.”

  “You know, it’s not a nice thing to say,” Leonard said, looking at Donny, “but this is all your fault.”

  “It is, isn’t it?” Donny said.

  “Damn straight,” Leonard said.

  “It’s not all your fault,” I said. “I was Kelly, I’d have told too. No one is as tough as they show in the movies. I should have thought that angle. We tried to play this one too nice.”

  “Hap likes being nice,” Leonard said. “Me, I don’t care for nice.”

  “Will you go to the police?” Donny asked.

  “We could take that chance, but we won’t,” I said.

  Donny looked at the floor, then up at me. “It’s not an armored car this time.”

  “No?”

  “They’re just going to hit the bank. Two inside, and then they’ll come out and the getaway car will be waiting. I wanted to tell you that. He shouldn’t have bothered Kelly and Brett.”

  “I bet Smoke Stack stays in the car,” Leonard said.

  “Yeah,” Donny said. “Him and one of the others. And the driver.”

  “And now that driver is Brett, and your brother will be in the car too,” Leonard said.

  “All right,” I said. “That doesn’t change much, it might make it easier, no armored car guys to worry with.”

  “Yeah, it really doesn’t matter,” Leonard said. “But you showed some balls by telling us, by stepping farther away from that asshole Smoke Stack.”

  “What will you do?” Donny asked.

  “What Leonard said earlier. We’ll kill them all and shit on their graves.”

  It was still early in the day. My guess was they would keep Brett and Kelly alive until they were finished with the job. That would be their insurance until they didn’t need them anymore. I had to hold onto that idea. It was my only comfort. Still, it wouldn’t be long after the job was over that both Brett and Kelly would end up dead.

  I called Marvin and told him the situation.

  “So, how about I park somewhere where I can see them do the robbery. The asshole even told you the bank.”

  “He thinks he’s untouchable.”

  “I can be an eyewitness later. Say I saw them. Right after I shoot the living hell out of them.”