The Big Book of Hap and Leonard Read online

  Praise for Hap and Leonard

  [Starred] “Last seen in the novel Honky Tonk Samurai, Lansdale’s incomparable East Texas crime fighting duo show their chops in this remarkable story collection. Hap Collins, a straight, white liberal, and Leonard Pine, a black, gay conservative, have long challenged genre conventions, and the friendship and camaraderie between these two hard cases as they suit up against injustice and hypocrisy is at the heart of these seven tales. In the novella “Hyenas,” the boys help save a client’s impressionable younger brother from the clutches of a group of psychotic robbers. “Dead Aim” finds the pair taking on the Dixie Mafia after a seemingly straightforward cheating spouse case gets a tad more complicated. “Not Our Kind” is set against the backdrop of the late 1960s, when a teenage Hap first befriends Leonard and faces the racism and intolerance of his peers up close. Readers can also look forward to the debut of the TV show Hap and Leonard on the Sundance Channel in March.

  —Publishers Weekly, starred review

  “Seven laid-back adventures, one of them brand new, for 'freelance troubleshooter' and good old boy Hap Collins and his gay black Republican partner Leonard Pine. . . . No one currently working the field demonstrates more convincingly and joyously the deep affinity between pulp fiction and the American tall tale."

  ——Kirkus

  “As Mr. Lansdale might say, 'This was more fun than rolling down a hill with a bunch of armadillos.'”

  —Horror Novel Reviews

  “. . . it’s great to have all of these wonderful stories together in one nifty volume”

  —Horror Drive-In

  “It has all the hard to find short stories featuring Hap and Leonard, the most enjoyable mismatched pair of private eyes since Spenser and Hawk.”

  —Sons of Spade

  “East Texas charm, profane wit, and strong characterization, with enough snappy dialogue to keep a smile on your face . . . excellent entertainment, edge-of-your-seat action one minute, gut-busting humor”

  —Adventures in Genre Fiction

  “This collection is crime/pulp fiction at its best and most captivating.”

  —Risingshadow

  “short, concentrated bursts of everything that makes the series so good.”

  —October Country

  “If you find yourself on the wrong side of Hap and Leonard, be cautious, because they are quicker than a rattlesnake, and their bite is just as bad. If you find yourself an innocent bystander looking for a great book to read, you’ve come to the right place.”

  —Killer Nashville

  “If you are a fan of the genre and looking for a new character to get into, Hap and Leonard won’t steer you wrong.”

  —LitReactor

  “For those new to either Lansdale or the series, this latest collection is an excellent introduction to the kind of trouble these two often find themselves in; all the while exchanging some of the funniest, lovingly antagonistic, and memorial dialogue of any crime series.”

  —Bookgasm

  “If you haven’t read any of the dozen or so Hap and Leonard novels, start here.”

  —Lone Star Literary

  “A perfect introduction”

  —Booklist

  Praise for Joe R. Lansdale’s Hap and Leonard series

  “Hap and Leonard function as a sort of Holmes and Watson—if Holmes and Watson had had more lusty appetites and less refined educations and spent their lives in East Texas. . . . Not only funny, but also slyly offers acute commentary on matters of race, friendship and love in small-town America.”

  —New York Times

  “Lansdale reveals the human condition—our darkest secrets and our proudest moments, all within the unlikely confines of an East Texas adventure featuring the two scruffiest protagonists in modern crime fiction.”

  —Booklist

  “Hilarious. . . . Addictively scarfable. . . . Lansdale excels at dialogue, especially Hap and Leonard’s lewd insult-a-thons. . . . Two thumbs-up, and pardon the barbecue smears.”

  —Texas Monthly

  “As usual, the dialogue is deadpan tart and the action extreme but convincing. . . . Lansdale once again proves he’s the East Texas master of redneck noir.”

  —Publishers Weekly (on Hyenas)

  Praise for Joe R. Lansdale

  “There’s no bullshit in a Joe Lansdale book. There’s everything a good story needs, and nothing it doesn’t.”

  —Christopher Moore, author of Secondhand Souls

  “[Joe Lansdale has] a folklorist’s eye for telling detail and a front-porch raconteur’s sense of pace . . . a considerable literary intelligence at work.”

  —New York Times Book Review

  “Joe Lansdale is a born storyteller.”

  —Robert Bloch, author of Psycho

  “Joe Lansdale simply must be read.”

  —Robert Crais, author of the Elvis Cole and Joe Pike novels

  “Read Joe Lansdale and see the true writer’s gift.”

  —Andrew Vachss, author of Shockwave

  “Among the best fiction writers in America today, Joe Lansdale turns on the juice and cuts the damn thing loose. Enjoy the ride!”

  —Kinky Friedman, author of Ten Little New Yorkers

  “Hunter S. Thompson meets Stephen King.”

  —Charles de Lint, author of The Onion Girl

  “A master at taking a simple everyday event and turning reality upside down.”

  —Mystery Scene

  “Lansdale reaches the reader on a gut level . . . a terrific writer.”

  —Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine

  Also by Joe R. Lansdale

  Hap and Leonard mysteries

  Savage Season (1990)

  Mucho Mojo (1994)

  The Two-Bear Mambo (1995)

  Bad Chili (1997)

  Rumble Tumble (1998)

  Veil’s Visit: A Taste of Hap and Leonard (1999)

  Captain Outrageous (2001)

  Vanilla Ride (2009)

  Hyenas (2011)

  Devil Red (2011)

  Dead Aim (2013)

  Hap and Leonard (2016)

  Honky Tonk Samurai (2016)

  Hap and Leonard: Blood and Lemonade (2017)

  Rusty Puppy (2017)

  Jackrabbit Smile (2018)

  The Drive-In series

  The Drive-In: A “B” Movie with Blood and Popcorn, Made in Texas (1988)

  The Drive-In 2: Not Just One of Them Sequels (1989)

  The Drive-In: A Double-Feature Omnibus (1997)

  The Drive-In: The Bus Tour (2005)

  The Complete Drive-In (2009, omnibus)

  Ned the Seal

  Zeppelins West (2001)

  Flaming London (2005)

  Flaming Zeppelins: The Adventures of Ned the Seal (2010)

  Other novels

  Act of Love (1981)

  Texas Night Riders (1983, as Ray Slater)

  Dead in the West (1986)

  The Magic Wagon (1986)

  The Nightrunners (1987)

  Cold in July (1989)

  Batman: Captured by the Engines (1991)

  Tarzan: The Lost Adventure (1995,with Edgar Rice Burroughs)

  The Boar (1998)

  Freezer Burn (1999)

  Waltz of Shadows (1999)

  Something Lumber This Way Comes (1999)

  The Big Blow (2000)

  Blood Dance (2000)

  The Bottoms (2000)

  A Fine Dark Line (2002)

  Sunset and Sawdust (2004)

  Lost Echoes (2007)

  Leather Maiden (2008)

  All the Earth, Thrown to the Sky (2011)

  The Ape Man’s Brother (2012)

  Edge of Dark Water (
2012)

  Hot in December (2013)

  The Thicket (2013)

  Black Hat Jack (2014)

  Prisoner 489 (2014)

  Paradise Sky (2015)

  Fender Lizards (2015)

  Hell's Bounty (2016)

  Bubba and the Bloodsuckers (2017)

  THE BIG BOOK OF HAP AND LEONARD

  The Big Book of Hap and Leonard

  Copyright © 2016 by Joe R. Lansdale

  This is a collected work of fiction. All events portrayed in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form without the express permission of the author and the publisher.

  “An Appreciation of Joe R. Lansdale” copyright © 2016 by Michael Koryta

  “Joe R. Lansdale, Hap and Leonard, and Me” copyright © 2016 by Bill Crider

  “An Interview with Joe R. Lansdale, His Own Self ” copyright © 2016 by Rick Klaw

  “The Care and Feeding and Raising Up of Hap and Leonard” copyright © 2016 by Joe R. Lansdale

  Interior and cover design by Elizabeth Story

  Ebook design by James DeMaiolo

  Tachyon Publications LLC

  1459 18th Street #139

  San Francisco, CA 94107

  415.285.5615

  www.tachyonpublications.com

  [email protected]

  Series Editor: Jacob Weisman

  Editor: Richard Klaw

  Project Editor: Jill Roberts

  Digital ISBN: 978-1-61696-309-5

  First Particle Books Edition: 2018

  “Hyenas” copyright © 2011 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Hyenas (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  “Veil’s Visit” copyright © 1999 by Joe R. Lansdale and Andrew Vachss. First appeared in Veil’s Visit: A Taste of Hap and Leonard (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  “Death by Chili” copyright © 1999 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Veil’s Visit: Taste of Hap and Leonard (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  “Dead Aim” copyright © 2013 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Dead Aim (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  “A Bone-Dead Sadness” copyright © 2012 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Act of Love (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  “The Boy Who Became Invisible” copyright © 2009 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in The Bleeding Edge: Dark Barriers, Dark Frontiers edited by William F. Nolan and Jason V. Brock (Cycatrix Press: Vancouver, Washington).

  “The Boy Who Became Invisible: A comic book script based on the story of the same name” copyright © 2016 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Hap and Leonard (Tachyon Publications: San Francisco, California).

  “Not Our Kind” copyright © 2016 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Hap and Leonard (Tachyon Publications: San Francisco).

  “The Oak and the Pond” copyright © 2016 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Hap and Leonard (Tachyon Publications: San Francisco, California).

  “Bent Twig” copyright © 2014 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Rogues edited by George R. R. Martin and Gardner Dozois (Bantam Books: New York).

  “Joe R. Lansdale Interviews Hap Collins and Leonard Pine” copyright © 1999 by Joe R. Lansdale. First appeared in Veil’s Visit: A Taste of Hap and Leonard (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).

  To the memory of my friend and wonderful human being, Bill Crider.

  Contents

  Foreword

  by Richard Klaw

  An Appreciation of Joe R. Lansdale

  by Michael Koryta

  Joe R. Lansdale, Hap and Leonard, and Me

  by Bill Crider

  Hyenas

  Veil's Visit

  (with Andrew Vachss)

  Death by Chili

  Dead Aim

  A Bone-Dead Sadness

  The Boy Who Became Invisible (The Story)

  The Boy Who Became Invisible (The Comic Book Script)

  Not Our Kind

  The Oak and the Pond

  Bent Twig

  Joe R. Lansdale Interviews Hap Collins and Leonard Pine

  An Interview with Joe R. Lansdale, His Own Self

  The Care and Feeding and Raising Up of Hap and Leonard

  About the Author

  Foreword

  by Rick Klaw

  Joe R. Lansdale can be a pain in the ass. That’s why this book exists.

  Hap and Leonard collected all of the not-so-dynamic duo’s previously published shorter adventures (circa 2016) plus the original story “Not Our Kind,” basically everything that’s not a novel, in one handsome volume. This being the 21st century and all, an ebook edition was required. And therein lies the problem.

  Seems Joe had promised the digital rights to the novellas “Hyenas,” “Dead Aim,” and the short story “The Boy Who Became Invisible” to another publisher than Tachyon. So we could wait until 2018 for the ebook, when the rights reverted, or figure out something else. We opted for the latter.

  The ebook Hap and Leonard Ride Again contained all of the material present in Hap and Leonard except for the trio of stories mentioned above. Since the remaining material scarcely made for a book, we added the original short story “The Oak and the Pond,” the Marvin Hanson novella “A Bone Dead Sadness,” Joe’s comic script adaptation of “The Boy Who Became Invisible,” my interview with Joe, and an original remembrance about the creation of Hap and Leonard by Bill Crider, who sadly died while we were putting together The Big Book of Hap and Leonard.

  When Joe offered us the rights to “Hyenas,” “Dead Aim,” and “The Boy Who Became Invisible,” we decided it was best to combine the two editions into this one super—dare I say big—book you hold in your virtual hands.

  Sometimes a pain in the ass leads to gold. Not sure if this qualifies as such but if not, it’s damn close.

  Rick Klaw, editor

  Austin, Texas

  February 23, 2018

  An Appreciation of Joe R. Lansdale

  by Michael Koryta

  Different writers have different goals, but there are—or should be—some constants. Here are a few: memorable characters, original voice, stories that make the reader feel something.

  I can think of many writers who have achieved those things. Then I think of Joe Lansdale, who has achieved them, lapped them, and redefined them. This wonderful collection of the tales of Hap Collins and Leonard Pine is—somehow—just a taste of the Lansdale oeuvre, but it is a delicious one.

  Memorable characters? Meet Hap, a former social activist and a “white trash rebel,” and Leonard, a black, gay, Vietnam veteran and Republican voter. In the hands of many writers, this mix would be disastrous, an overwrought pairing designed to conceal inauthentic storytelling. In Lansdale’s hands, not only does the duo work, but they seem natural together, playing off each other in beautiful fashion. The dialogue exchanges between these two, as typified in the novella “Hyenas,” are filled with more gems than a jewelry store:

  “Well,” Leonard said, “in cases like that, the gut is often right. We still know a shark when we see one. That’s why we crawled out of the water and became men in the first place. Only thing is, some of the sharks crawled out after us.”

  “That would be the lawyers,” I said.

  There’s a smile on every page and an outright howler on every other, but it’s in the momentum of the stories that I’ve always found the true genius. Hap and Leonard do a lot of chatting, sure, a unique patter that seasons their adventures, but they’re always in motion, and the dialogue is truly in service of the story, not the other way around. A lot of writers with a gifted ear for dialogue—and Joe has one of the best ears around—can get caught in a trap built by their own abilities, creating wandering exchanges that don’t do much except show off. Joe’s stories are constantly in motion, and the dialogue reflects that:

  “Ready?” I said.

 
; “I was born ready.” Leonard said.

  “Scared?”

  “I don’t get scared.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Okay, I’m a little scared. Let’s get it done before I get more scared.”

  We started walking.

  There you go—they started walking. They’re going somewhere, these two, and you’ll find yourself turning pages at paper-cut speed to keep up, watching a remarkable feat where Joe Lansdale balances violence and humor, tension and howling laughter, in a way that feels organic, unforced, and perfectly original. Each story or novel seems to begin in mid-sentence, with the sense that you’d best hustle along and catch up or you’re going to be left behind. There’s a confidence to the prose that is simply masterful, a trust in both voice and reader.

  There is also—and I think this is overlooked in the Hap and Leonard stories—a hell of a lot of wisdom. Amid the fun and between the punches, there’s the voice of a writer who at times resembles Twain himself—and, yes, I really mean that, and, no, I do not say it lightly or easily.

  In “The Boy Who Became Invisible,” a story of Hap in his early years, Lansdale does more than make the reader feel something—he makes you hurt. The early pages, a story of seemingly casual schoolyard bullying, show the making of the man we will know as Hap.

  That hit me pretty hard, but I’m ashamed to say not hard enough, Hap thinks of his own role, his moral acquiescence to something beneath him. His one-time friend, Jesse, is becoming a target of ridicule, and what Lansdale has to say about it speaks not just to schoolyard torment but to the dangers of group think, of what happens when you compromise personal integrity to just go along with the flow. When the kids laugh at Jesse, you’ll hurt for him, and hurt for Hap, I assure you. But better than that, and more impressive—you’ll hurt because of Hap. And because of yourself. That is when the character-reader bond has reached an emotional height, and it’s a special experience.