Flaming Zeppelins Read online

  Jack drooped. “I understand, Doctor.”

  “Then do your job. And when it’s done, will you please get a piece of my old penis from the refrigerator.”

  “Penis?” Cody said. “What the hell is that for?”

  “It is sort of like sourdough starter, Colonel. I add it to my chemicals, it melts, produces a kind of plaster. I apply it to your body, activate the regeneration area of your brain, at least as much as I am able to reactivate it, and it begins to grow.”

  “An entire body? I’m not going to be just a big dick, am I?”

  “That is part of the drawback. No. Only kidding. Some might think you’re already a big dick.”

  “Watch your mouth, buster.”

  “Oh, are you going to spring off your neck and bite me, Colonel?”

  Cody fumed.

  Jack laughed.

  “Relax now. Let’s not worry our pretty head over words. Right now, you have to deal with the pain.”

  Cody’s head, battery intact, was placed directly in front of the doctor on a tray. Jack went to the refrigerator. Doctor Momo picked up a scalpel. He held it up to the electric light. “Good. It is sharp. On the monster I had a dull one. He found it most uncomfortable. Even for a dead man.”

  “Is your penis in a pink bowl, or one of the metal ones?” Jack called.

  “It’s just a small piece of flesh, Jack. In one of the metal bowls. Please do not mix it up with one of the other chunks. Those are all different animals and such. We would not want the colonel’s new body parts to be covered in hair. Or if you get that diseased piece, oh dear, that could be a real mess.”

  “Is it just the tip of your dick?”

  “That is the one. Oh, now, Colonel. Do not look so concerned.”

  Ned tugged at Doctor Mormo’s sleeve. The doctor looked down. Ned had written a note. He held it up. It read: WILL BUFFALO BILL BE OKAY?

  “Well now, Ned. We certainly hope so.”

  Jack put the bowl with the tip of Doctor Momo’s penis on the table. Doctor Momo laid his scalpel on the tray, added a vial of pink liquid to the bowl. He reached for a semi-clear liquid with chunks of pulp in it, started to pour. Jack caught his hand.

  “Isn’t that our lemonade?” Jack asked.

  “You know, it is. I left it out. Probably no good now. Looks just like the elixir. Take this and pour it down the sink. Oh, here it is…Jack…this is it, is it not?”

  “That’s it, Doctor.”

  “Good. I am so glad. If it wasn’t, I just wouldn’t have any idea where it could be, and I am not up to mixing a new batch. I don’t have the dick to spare… Well, I have it to spare, but you know what I mean.”

  “Will you get on with it?” Cody said.

  Doctor Momo poured a splash of the concoction into the bowl with the penis tip and the pink liquid. When he did, it began to steam. The penis tip melted, spread like a plop of pancake mix slopped on a griddle.

  “I have found the ding dong to be about the best thing there is for this stuff. Testicle’s second, facial parts third. Internal organs fourth. Fingers and toes fifth. After that, kind of a toss up.”

  “Just get on with it,” Cody said. “And be careful.”

  “Careful is my middle name… Oh, goddamn it.”

  Doctor Momo had put his hand down on the scalpel. “Mother of God. Holy asshole of Satan. I’ve punctured my palm.”

  Doctor Momo lifted his bleeding hand. The scalpel fell out, landed on the tray. “Shit,” he continued, “that little shiny sonofabitch is sharp.”

  Jack brought a piece of cloth to Momo, who wrapped his hand.

  “I’m okay, now,” he said. “Goddamn that hurt…now, Colonel—” Momo picked up the scalpel, flicked the blood from it, sending a streak of it across the white page of Ned’s note pad hanging about his neck. “Shall we get on with it?”

  “Doctor,” Cody said, “you never really completed outlining the drawback of this method.”

  “Ah, screw it. It will be all right. I will tell you the rest of it later. Now grit your teeth, this is going to hurt like the proverbial sonofabitch.”

  When they reached the far side of the island they found a rocky beach. The surf crashed against it savagely, throwing a fizz of white ocean high into the sky, dropping it to burst on the rocks in a stinging mist.

  There was no boat. There was nothing really. Just rocks and the surf.

  “Now we’ve seen it,” Annie said.

  “Yes, and it doesn’t look good,” Hickok said.

  “Could build raft,” Bull said.

  “We could,” Hickok said. “Provided we could steal tools, slip out here every day for a week or so. Course, if we did manage that, soon as we dropped it in the water, the waves would smash it, and us, against the rocks.”

  “Not good plan,” Bull said.

  “There is another alternative,” Annie said. “We could take Bemo’s submarine.”

  “It’s probably covered in those monkey men,” Hickok said. “And say we do take it, how do we drive it?”

  “Ned,” Annie said.

  “Ned?” Hickok said. “Why would he do that?”

  “Because,” Cat said, “he adores your friend, Cody.”

  “It’s something to consider,” Hickok said.

  “Sun show two o’clock,” Bull said. “That something to consider.”

  “Right you are,” Hickok said. “Let’s head back.”

  The left side of Cody’s neck was cut. The mixture was applied to the incision. Wires were fastened to the wound and the other ends of the wires were plugged into a machine festooned with whirligigs and blinking lights. A switch was thrown. Dynamos groaned. Machinery clattered, screeched, coughed black puffs of choking smoke. Electrical power bolted through the wires, lit Cody up like a flaming meteor. His face wriggled. His hair stood up like porcupine quills. His eyes poked almost out of his head. His lips peeled back to show all his teeth. He made a sound like “Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrruuuuuugah.”

  The dynamos whined and wooed for a time, then went silent. Cody’s hair dropped. His very pink skin stopped moving. For a moment, he smoked pleasantly on the metal tray like a hog’s head just pulled from a vat of steaming water.

  On his neck, where the scalpel had opened his flesh, the wound had closed and there appeared a kind of wrinkled knot. It quivered, as if a worm were inside it.

  The knot grew bigger. It quivered more than before.

  Bigger yet.

  The quiver turned into a shake.

  “As you Americans say,” said Doctor Momo, “now we are cooking.”

  When they reached the mouth of the tunnel, Bull glanced at the sky. “Three o’clock white man time.”

  “Then we have to hurry,” Annie said.

  “I have been thinking,” Cat said. “To do what you want to do, you must ask Tin and the monster.”

  “I thought the monster was just a monster,” Annie said.

  “True, but you need them.”

  “Even if we do,” Hickok said. “Tin wouldn’t be of any use. He’s Doctor Momo’s man.”

  “He loves the monster,” Cat said.

  “Say what?” Hickok said.

  “Men,” said Annie, “they are so dumb. I realized that the day Tin saw the monster lying on the beach. I thought he was going to melt.”

  “But…they are both…men,” Hickok said.

  “For one who thinks of himself as worldly,” Annie said, “you know very little about love. Some men love men. And in a physical way.”

  “Well, I mean…yes, I’ve heard of it. I know it exists. But where do they put…it.”

  “Think about it,” Annie said.

  “But that is just wrong,” Hickok said.

  “Once you thought it was okay to kill Indians merely because they were Indians,” Annie said. “Now you think that is wrong.”

  “That right,” Bull said. “What about that, Wild Bill?” Then to Annie: “But me wonder too. Where thing go?”

  Cat and Annie looked at one another,
exasperated. “We’ll explain it to you later,” Annie said.

  They went into the tunnel, flipped the switch for light, latched the door back in place, rushed along the corridor.

  At this same moment, Doctor Momo, the quick-scooting Ned, and Jack — who was carrying Cody’s babbling, smoking head on a platter as if it were that of John the Baptist about to be presented to the wife of Herod — were proceeding back to the living quarters of the compound.

  The explorers had no sooner pulled the rug in place, eased out of Doctor Momo’s door and locked it, than they heard Cody running on about this and that, reciting some tall windy he had told them all twenty times before, but in a manner that indicated he was out of his head. Which, considering the circumstances, wasn’t something he could spare.

  Hickok and his crew hustled quickly down the hall, just out of sight as Doctor Momo, Jack and Cody turned the corner.

  They all ducked into Bull’s room, quietly locked the door.

  Cat said, “I can only stay a moment. It is time for me to bring the doctor his tea. He gets upset if I do not bring it on time. But, I want to leave this key with you. Bull has one. You must be very careful.”

  “Thanks,” Annie said.

  They eased the door open. Cat glanced down the hall. “I must go,” she said. She kissed Bull quickly and made her exit, leaving in the room the faint smell of musk.

  Bull made a horse whinny under his breath.

  Doctor Momo stopped off in his room for a drink. He placed Cody’s head on the table while he sipped whiskey. This time he did not offer Cody a drink. He stared down at the Westerner, shook the colored liquid in his glass.

  Cody’s hair was dripping sweat. His skin was less pink now, but it had a kind of glow to it. Cody felt great. He could feel himself changing.

  The twisting knot on his neck had expanded, producing a large segment of shoulder. Underneath the shoulder, tendons were visible, and there was a spot of bone; blood dripped onto the metal tray, filled it.

  Cody was about to ask for a taste of whiskey, when Doctor Momo spoke. “Drain that tray, will you, Jack?”

  Jack bent over, began lapping blood from the tray.

  “Good boy,” Doctor Momo said. Then: “Colonel Cody, we have come to what I must call the moment of truth. Before this day ends you will have a shoulder, and perhaps a complete arm. A little luck, a hand and fingers. No more. There is hardly enough flesh and elixir left to provide more for you. I can brew up a bit of the beasts around here, make you part of them. But the ideal situation is a volunteer.”

  “Volunteer?” Cody asked.

  “One of your mates. You need human flesh. I have offered up some of my own. And, might I add, without any selfishness. But, to do this right, to give you a complete body, and for it to be entirely human, we need a subject.”

  “You mean a flesh donor?” Cody asked.

  “Of course. There’s one little problem. I would really like to have someone not only donate a bit of flesh, but, in fact, donate their entire self.”

  “You mean kill one of them?”

  “I dislike that word. Kill. It brings all sorts of nasty things to mind. Sacrifice is not a good word either. I suppose we could ask their permission, but, I am afraid, no matter how well they hold you in high esteem, donating their body to you might not be what they had in mind.”

  “I can understand a hold up on that,” Cody said.

  “But we are in a position, if we choose, to pick someone. We invite them to a special meeting, promise them something. Then we clip that sonofabitch in the head, and into the mixture they go.”

  “My God, Momo. I couldn’t do that. They’re my friends.”

  “Hey, your choice,” Doctor Momo said. “You can be a head, a shoulder, an arm, and maybe a hand. But I wouldn’t bet on much else. Or, we can choose one of the monkeys. You will most likely turn out a little hairy and have a craving for bananas and a desire to throw shit. I tell you what. I am going to have you taken to your room. Ned here will be left to serve you, and you may consider our discussion. But tomorrow, I would like an answer. I would like to pop someone before breakfast. Because, you see, Colonel Cody. I have other plans. I would like to do more with this flesh than reanimate you. I can build all manner of things from humans and animals. I can make you your very own Catherine. Would you like that? I can give you a body. A woman. If you go along with me, not only will you have your body back, but you and I can return to civilization, touting my work, and the both of us will become not only wealthy, but famous. I see myself as taking to cowboy hats, actually.”

  “I am already famous. And I am sometimes wealthy. When I don’t waste it.”

  “Of course,” Doctor Momo said. “I understand. And I am asking you to do a dreadful thing, no doubt. But, you either want your body back, or you do not. It really is that simple.”

  “My God,” Cody said. “Think what you are asking. Civilization will not be glad to know we murdered humans for their flesh. And I won’t be glad of it either.”

  “We do not have to tell the exact truth. Accidents happen. People die. There are ways around it. But, do not give me your answer immediately. To your room to rest. And to wait and see what my little experiment does. You may find yourself quite happy with the results. Jack. That is quite enough. Quit licking. The tray is shiny.”

  There was a light knock on the door.

  “Ah,” Doctor Momo said. “That will be Cat with my tea. Jack, will you see Colonel Cody to his room. And Ned, watch after him. And Colonel, give some real thought to picking out one of your little friends. If you do not pick one, I will pick one. And later, I will pick another. And when they are all gone — though I may keep Miss Oakley around for other reasons — Captain Bemo will bring me more. It will happen one way or another. The difference is, if I pick, you do not profit. In fact, I am sure you have considered this, but your head is flesh. And I don’t believe in waste. A few slices, and you would fit nicely into the mixing bowl. Give it some thought, will you?” As the day settled, well before dinner, Annie and Hickok decided to take a flyer. They crept out of Bull’s room with the key Cat had provided, moved along the corridor and tapped slightly on the door Cat said was Tin’s room.

  Tin opened the door, shocked to see them.

  “We are friends of the monster,” Hickok said.

  “Bert,” Tin said.

  “Bert?” Hickok said.

  Tin stuck his head out, looked in both directions, hustled them inside.

  Bert lay on the bed nude. He was not the least bit embarrassed. Annie took him in with one quick look, then glanced away.

  Then she glanced back.

  Then away.

  Then back.

  And away.

  “For heaven’s sake, cover yourself,” Hickok said.

  “Heaven,” Bert said, “has not been all that kind to me. I see no need to do anything for heaven’s sake. Has your lady not seen a naked man before?”

  “Do not tempt fate,” Hickok said.

  “I thought you were friends?” Tin said.

  “I suppose we are,” Bert said. “He and his friends saved me from being ground to powder. They carried me away and later found me here on the beach. They saved me again. I suppose I at least owe the lady some respect.”

  Bert rose from the bed, snatched the sheet off and wrapped himself in it. “You may look now, lady, and forgive my manners. I have become quite the card as of late.”

  “Tin,” said Hickok. “Will you help us?”

  Tin said, “Help you? I should turn you in.”

  “But will you help us?” Annie asked.

  Tin looked a question at Bert.

  Bert said, “We could listen.”

  Hickok explained simply that they wanted to leave the island, that the best method might be by Bemo’s submarine.

  Tin said, “I will help you. I love Bert. I want to be with him.”

  “And I with you, Tin,” Bert said.

  “That is so sweet,” Annie said.


  “The problem we have,” Hickok said, “is we have no weapons. We don’t know how to navigate the Naughty Lass, and Bemo, who of course does know how, can’t help us. He’s controlled by Momo. What do we do?”

  “Ned,” Tin said. “He can operate the Naughty Lass,”

  “That’s what we heard,” Hickok said.

  “I don’t see why we don’t just grab Momo and make him do what we want,” Annie said.

  “Because the monkey men protect him,” Tin said. “They would tear you to shreds.”

  “We could threaten to kill Momo if they bother us,” Annie said.

  “They would still tear you to shreds,” Tin said. “You might kill Momo, but they would kill you…oh, goodness gracious. How can I talk like this? Doctor Momo has been good to me.”

  “He has also lied to you,” Bert said. “That heart business, remember.”

  “I remember. I am just so confused.”

  “We get out of this,” Bert said, “we can go somewhere where we will not be bothered. Somewhere where we can live a life together.”

  “And where would that be?” Tin said.

  “Maybe Annie and I can come up with something,” Hickok heard himself say, and was amazed at the sound of his own voice. Just what was he thinking? He and Annie, a Tin Man and a monster who were sissy on each other.

  “Another thing about the monkey men,” Tin said. “You will not even get close to Doctor Momo. They seem to be out of sight a lot of the time, but they are near. They wait until he commands, or for that matter, looks in distress. When we eat dinner, behind the wall, to the right of Momo’s seat. That wall is transparent from the opposite side. A kind of mirror. Monkey men wait there.”

  “Can we get guns?” Hickok asked.

  “There are guns,” Tin said. “I had not thought of that. We can get guns, but it will not be easy. There is a storehouse for such things. It is for the monkey men. Mostly it houses weapons they do not know how to use. Weapons the men who worked for Momo left. He sent them all away when he created the monkey men. He wanted complete obedience. The monkeys are less scheming than men.”

  “What about this storehouse?” Hickok asked.

  “Guarded by the monkey men. But I can get in.”

  “Do you think Ned will operate the Naughty Lass?” Annie asked.